Drugs, Oey Vey!

I've been absent for a bit, but then I tend to be absent a lot from life lately. Truth is, I've weened myself off mega doses of Lexapro, an antidepressant. Friday night was my last dose and now I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was on 40mg, 20 more than I should have been on, but you know how these docs are. "Oh, maybe you need to up your dose since you're in so much pain over the death of your frog!!" or, "Sounds like you need a bit extra to tie you over the next few years due to your bankruptcy!!" Holy crap, where does it end?? Well, I decided to end it!!

I've been going through some very difficult personal problems, I discovered the drug just wasn't doing anything for me. I suppose my brain hadn't been that challenged since my divorce 12 years ago and I don't recall needing anything to ease my pain then, except for an occasional vodka with lemon flavoured Kool-Ade...hey, still had kids at home...the only decent set-ups I had!! LOL Well, I found I was walking in a fog...isn't the antidepressant supposed to prevent that from happening??? I was tired of feeling the way I did, so I visited my doc and told him the whole story of what was going on right now, then dropped the bomb, "Doctor, I want off this stuff." He was amazed! He told this was no time to go solo, but I stood my ground. He offered other types of antidepressants...different names, but same caca!! I told him NOOO and how do I go about weening myself from this stuff.

The weening has been an adventure in itself. I went from 40mg, to 20mg the first week. My head felt as if it was going to explode from the top of my crown. I kept imagining brain matter all over the kitchen and me standing there with my spatula saying all kinds of expletives as to why this didn't happen just moments before while I was taking a shower. Now you're thinking why would I be in the kitchen right after a shower with spatula in hand...ok, I took some time to put some clothes on!! You see how my brain is working right now??? Some time it can be magical, no headaches, melt downs and mood swings, or just down right miserable...lovein' the porcelain goddess...hey, if I'm going to do that, might as well have a hangover, right???

So I completed my 20-10-5, three weeks of this crap, and now I feel horrible!! I was explaining to a good friend the other day that I don't get the brain zaps...she did...but she described someone she knows who got the shivers. She said that if felt like the top of her brain was a can of ice cold soda and it popped open and the entire brain and body got the shivers...nothing like brain freeze, which I also suffer from not pacing myself when I'm eating some really good ice cream. So that's what my brain is doing right now, except no shivers, too bad, I could use a shiver or two in this hot weather!!

As for any art work, I haven't been in the studio in quite sometime. The last project I completed was the Baylor Bear doll I made for my step-granddaughter. I was hoping to do some art therapy with my youngest, Ian, who is here for a month, but so far, I haven't been able to stop my world from spinning, literally.

Ok, so far everything has sounded awful and miserable, which it has, but I will say this much, I haven't had this much clarity in years!! It seems like I left the fog and walked into a beautiful garden, some of the flowers have thorns, but still beautiful. I really felt this one other time many years ago when I was still a young mother, but won't go into that. My thought process, injured as it reads right now, seems to make sense more and more each day and all of sudden, I've found my critical thinking skills, lost in the fog and my hudspa!! All this will take time, my poor gray cells have been under attack for many years, but I'm looking forward to a having "Georgina" back, not that I ever really left, but a clearer Georgina. I swear, if I ever have to go back on these drugs, I'm never going off of them again, so this better be it for me. Peace out.